Normally, we do not so much look at things as overlook them.

Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it – Swedish Proverb

++

Aku gila. Penat. Usai cuti kepala serabut kembali.Huhu…mahu cuti lebih lama.

Dua ribu sepuluh.

Aku mahu lebih baik dari dua ribu sembilan.

Kesibukan.Alasan bodoh aku untuk acapkali meminggirkan rakan-rakan.

++

Dua ribu sepuluh

Aku mahu apartmen sendiri.

Bilik ku satu, bilik mereka satu

Aku mahu tivi plasma satu, aku mahu “fatboy” satu

Aku mahu two doors referigerator, aku mahu tilam yang nyaman untuk aku beradu

Aku mahu dapur comel, Aku mahu laptop berkelip di hujung meja

Aku mahu rak herba sendiri,sudu garphu sendiri,aku mahu hidup aku.

Punya aku untuk aku kerana aku

Aku tahu

Aku tahu

Aku tahu

Jauh benar langkauan imaginasi ku. Senang di impi susah di kota

++

Dua ribu sepuluh

Aku mahu tidak ada regret di hati

Aku mau happy.

Aku mahu dia, rakan rakan, keluarga.

Entah sejak bila, kerjaya jatuh ke nombor dua

++

Dua ribu sembilan pergi

Aku sambut dua ribu sepuluh dalam dakapan

Hangat.

701Panduan : “Are you 701 Enough?”

701Panduan is http://www.701panduan.com Malaysia Online Directory

Norah

I loved and still in love with Norah. Her husky voice have somekind of hidden magic underneath.It’s uplifting ,warm and healing. I swear that I will fork up every penny for her concert especially the intimate,small and dusty room type of show.

Feel slightly better.At least up a notch.

Sometimes it’ll be my cue and I’ll forget my lines

beyond the window..there's everything

I vegetated in the most comfortable sofa in the room. The faded suede felt so warm to my skin. I rubbed my feet together,pale and yellowish; hungry for a wee bit of heat and later snugged into my red blanket.

Silent is so yummy

I love the silent of a beautiful Sunday morning in autumn. I wrapped the red blanket to my body and walk to the window. I intentionally left it ajar so the cold autumn wind can peek through and escape in the room with a hint of fresh pine .It’s never fail to give a soft sudden chill to my already rosy cheeks.

My trusty old radio played old favorite song from Queen…the Bohemian Rhapsody. Somehow it makes me feel adventurous and daring.

Such a good dream

****

Reality pinch *ouch*

Here I am sitting neatly in the comfort of my sanitize office. Day-dreaming

And this coffee that I am drinking, tasted like motor oil all of the sudden.

Sigh! I miss the possibilities!

Empty office

This time of the year my mates are roaming around in most offices for our year end review. As for me, I’m stuck in office because my client is just around the corner. More meetings, coffee, interviews, document review and paperwork’s. It wasn’t that bad actually. System auditor was not a crappy job but it’s get blunt sometimes especially when you get stuck with the same old client, no new development that deem suitable for you to performed some pre and post implementation review. It can be pretty deadening.

Which remind me of Harold Crick; an IRS auditor that living his entire life from morning till night based on the timing of his wristwatch. He actually timed his life! Change his routine by the beeping sound of his wristwatch.

It’s an irksome task flipping through dusty forms and statements but timing your life by wristwatch? Is your life that predictable? By every pace you take. The degree you make to turn a corner will make a total different? I have no answer to that but Harold Crick thinks that by controlling all that his life are cocoon from unexpected turn of events that will ruin his stable cum perfect life(read: misery and lonely)

Having said that, I can help but catch a glimpse of myself in Harold Crick. We might not be doing the same stuff but the foundation of our work is almost identical. Checking and confirming, giving assurance of something that might or might not happen.

We are not producing things but merely checking for something that might and might not. I have been tuned to assume wholeheartedly that it is better to be ready before the days come. This has affected me to a point I make backup plans on most plan that I make. You see, how rigid have I become?

And his office is as sanitized as mine.

Any who, a person once said…”there is more to life than work”…Yes it is cliché and common but it make a lot more sense than 10 years ago. I have been yo-yoing between liking and loathing my job. It’s a love hate relationship. I love being someone I am and at the same time hating every single side of it that is not as expected.

But then how human are you if you do not have flaws? And your expectation runs? And your dream fades?

Luckily we; human are build to be persevere. As persevere as a small sperm in a pool of billions, where possibility is equal to none, but here we are procreating evermore so everyday and not bound by a stupid wristwatch.

P/s – don’t get me wrong, I do love the movie

It’s all in the attempt

Pagi tadi ada sahabat mengomel ;

”Apa sebab aku huha,huha (Baca: loud,outgoing,berskirt ke pejabat,berambut perang dan sekali sekala menghirup dan menghembut asap bernikotin), diaorg boleh assume aku minum. Tolong la!aku tak minum OK.Aku puasa aku solat”

Dengus dia menikam ganas kueh tiaw goreng, makanan paginya.

Aku kira ini satu misconception kita setiap hari.

Aku selalu mengajar diri untuk tidak menilai manusia dari luaran. Biarla die pierce seluruh muka, bertudung labuh,pendek,berpin di bahu atau toncet di kepala,tidak bertudung,blonde atau brunnette, bermikro mini atau berjubah,berbaju ketat atau berbungkus. Ya kita di ajar sedari kecil ”you are who you are with” dan ”you are valued by the company you keep”. Mungkin kita tidak faham maksud sebenar. Atau aku memahaminya dari sudut berlainan. Tapi acapkali kita lihat yang bertudung labuh hanya bergaul dengan yang bertudung labuh.Yang berbaju kecil comel suka duduk dan hangout dengan geng seangkatan. Mungkin dari kecil kita diajar untuk menilai manusia dari luaran.Mungkin kita dibesarkan dengan mantaliti sebegini.Falsafah “don’t judge a book by its cover” tinggal falsafah yang kita sorokkan di hujung bucu meja.Mungkin kita diajar untuk tahu tapi tidak memahami Secara literalnya,saya sendiri mencari buku yang cantik kulitnya,baru dibelek sinopsisnya.Kalau tak best letak semula. First impression kata orang.

But like other thing that we have no control of. It’s inevitable. Most people judge by what we merely see and hear. Halo effect. Sometimes despite the attempt I am most people too.

What differentiates you from most people is the attempt not to. It’s all in the attempt…trust me…

You want to be the “bigger” person…then work on your attempt

So much of a negative post.

Period.

Sesekali terasa nk jiwang..ape salahnyer

Your smile grows on me.

Am smitten

If it’s a pool…I’ll be drowned by now

……in pleasure

Sakit.

It’s been a while. These places have been empty, abandon. Cold.

My head are flooded with thought. Thought that have been there shovel to on side.

At the age of 27 I am still one-confused-kid.

Hari ini aku sakit. Seperti kebiasaannya cuti aku selalu berakhir dengan sakit.Macam sakit memerli aku pulak yang setiap hari beria-ia sangat mahukan cuti.Nah  cutilah!

Ya aku memang sakit kepala.Bukan sakit kepala biasa-biase. It’s a freakin splitting headache!

Badan masih mengeletar dek sakit berpanjangan semalaman.Kepala masih berpinar-pinar. Lantai rumah semuanya tak rata.Aku masih duduk di birai katil menghitung kira macam mana aku mahu memandu ke klinik dalam hujan renyai renyai ini.

Awal-awal pagi aku texted boss. Tiada balasan.Mungkin terlalu pagi. Aku harap dia faham, sakit yang datang bukan aku pinta-pinta. Bukan aku minta dia datang 3 hari sebelum cutiku berakhir. Bukan aku nak cuti extra.Bukan. Kepala masih berdenyut. Awal-awal pagi sudah aku muntahkan isi perutku ke mangkuk tandas. Letih. Chicken chop yang aku nikmati semalam, ketawa ketawa,jeling-jeling manja semuanya menerjah keluar.

Mata aku alerjik cahaya.Pedih.Tekak loya,kepala bagai mau pecah,hidung tersumbat,badan mengigil seram, muntah (ini baru).Itu semua simptom simptomnya. Datang sekali harung.Habis ranap tiang ’kesungguhan’ mahu mula bekerja semula. Hampir setengah tahun die pergi hari ni dia kembali. Tak mengapa.Sakit itukan khifarah dosa. Dosa yang bergedung banyaknya tanpa sedar.

Dua hari lepas dia datang main main sahaja. Sesekali aku picit2 kening sebelah kiri.Lega.Malam semalam sakit tak terhingga jadi hari ini mahu tak mahu aku harus juga ke klinik lagi. Dua tiga bulan ini aku kerap benar ke klinik. Kenapa agaknya?

Email masih berbalasan dengan boss yang satu lagi. Aku ada kerja tertangguh. Jadi harus di layan pertanyaan dari yang seorang ini. Sesekali aku refresh peti surat virtual.

Hujan masih merintik. Kepala masih saket.Aku ada banyak yang mahu aku cerita

Aku nekad ke klinik segera. Sakit ini betul betul mendera.

p/s – Untuk pertama kali,dalam kesakitan aku mengakui ini, hidup aku dibentuk satu pertiga kerjaya,satu pertiga memori dan harapan masa depan dan sepertiga lagi ‘my actual self’. Aku belajar untuk enjoy the actual moments and I do it! Aku belajar untuk menyenangi memori baik dan buruk dan berpaut pada harapan masa depan yang indah..i do it!Tapi sepertiga yang satu lagi itu- hambar,sejuk dan menidakkan siapa aku sebenarnya.

(^_^)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

hati gembira pulang ke desa, tapi resah meninggalkan kota

Drive safe!

[no title]

Gloomy-A man & his guitar(Edinburgh Fringe Fest)