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I loved and still in love with Norah. Her husky voice have somekind of hidden magic underneath.It’s uplifting ,warm and healing. I swear that I will fork up every penny for her concert especially the intimate,small and dusty room type of show.
Feel slightly better.At least up a notch.
beyond the window..there's everything
I vegetated in the most comfortable sofa in the room. The faded suede felt so warm to my skin. I rubbed my feet together,pale and yellowish; hungry for a wee bit of heat and later snugged into my red blanket.
Silent is so yummy
I love the silent of a beautiful Sunday morning in autumn. I wrapped the red blanket to my body and walk to the window. I intentionally left it ajar so the cold autumn wind can peek through and escape in the room with a hint of fresh pine .It’s never fail to give a soft sudden chill to my already rosy cheeks.
My trusty old radio played old favorite song from Queen…the Bohemian Rhapsody. Somehow it makes me feel adventurous and daring.
Such a good dream
****
Reality pinch *ouch*
Here I am sitting neatly in the comfort of my sanitize office. Day-dreaming
And this coffee that I am drinking, tasted like motor oil all of the sudden.
Sigh! I miss the possibilities!
This time of the year my mates are roaming around in most offices for our year end review. As for me, I’m stuck in office because my client is just around the corner. More meetings, coffee, interviews, document review and paperwork’s. It wasn’t that bad actually. System auditor was not a crappy job but it’s get blunt sometimes especially when you get stuck with the same old client, no new development that deem suitable for you to performed some pre and post implementation review. It can be pretty deadening.
Which remind me of Harold Crick; an IRS auditor that living his entire life from morning till night based on the timing of his wristwatch. He actually timed his life! Change his routine by the beeping sound of his wristwatch.
It’s an irksome task flipping through dusty forms and statements but timing your life by wristwatch? Is your life that predictable? By every pace you take. The degree you make to turn a corner will make a total different? I have no answer to that but Harold Crick thinks that by controlling all that his life are cocoon from unexpected turn of events that will ruin his stable cum perfect life(read: misery and lonely)
Having said that, I can help but catch a glimpse of myself in Harold Crick. We might not be doing the same stuff but the foundation of our work is almost identical. Checking and confirming, giving assurance of something that might or might not happen.
We are not producing things but merely checking for something that might and might not. I have been tuned to assume wholeheartedly that it is better to be ready before the days come. This has affected me to a point I make backup plans on most plan that I make. You see, how rigid have I become?
And his office is as sanitized as mine.
Any who, a person once said…”there is more to life than work”…Yes it is cliché and common but it make a lot more sense than 10 years ago. I have been yo-yoing between liking and loathing my job. It’s a love hate relationship. I love being someone I am and at the same time hating every single side of it that is not as expected.
But then how human are you if you do not have flaws? And your expectation runs? And your dream fades?
Luckily we; human are build to be persevere. As persevere as a small sperm in a pool of billions, where possibility is equal to none, but here we are procreating evermore so everyday and not bound by a stupid wristwatch.
P/s – don’t get me wrong, I do love the movie 
Pagi tadi ada sahabat mengomel ;
”Apa sebab aku huha,huha (Baca: loud,outgoing,berskirt ke pejabat,berambut perang dan sekali sekala menghirup dan menghembut asap bernikotin), diaorg boleh assume aku minum. Tolong la!aku tak minum OK.Aku puasa aku solat”
Dengus dia menikam ganas kueh tiaw goreng, makanan paginya.
Aku kira ini satu misconception kita setiap hari.
Aku selalu mengajar diri untuk tidak menilai manusia dari luaran. Biarla die pierce seluruh muka, bertudung labuh,pendek,berpin di bahu atau toncet di kepala,tidak bertudung,blonde atau brunnette, bermikro mini atau berjubah,berbaju ketat atau berbungkus. Ya kita di ajar sedari kecil ”you are who you are with” dan ”you are valued by the company you keep”. Mungkin kita tidak faham maksud sebenar. Atau aku memahaminya dari sudut berlainan. Tapi acapkali kita lihat yang bertudung labuh hanya bergaul dengan yang bertudung labuh.Yang berbaju kecil comel suka duduk dan hangout dengan geng seangkatan. Mungkin dari kecil kita diajar untuk menilai manusia dari luaran.Mungkin kita dibesarkan dengan mantaliti sebegini.Falsafah “don’t judge a book by its cover” tinggal falsafah yang kita sorokkan di hujung bucu meja.Mungkin kita diajar untuk tahu tapi tidak memahami Secara literalnya,saya sendiri mencari buku yang cantik kulitnya,baru dibelek sinopsisnya.Kalau tak best letak semula. First impression kata orang.
But like other thing that we have no control of. It’s inevitable. Most people judge by what we merely see and hear. Halo effect. Sometimes despite the attempt I am most people too.
What differentiates you from most people is the attempt not to. It’s all in the attempt…trust me…
You want to be the “bigger” person…then work on your attempt
So much of a negative post.
Period.
Your smile grows on me.
Am smitten
If it’s a pool…I’ll be drowned by now
……in pleasure
It’s been a while. These places have been empty, abandon. Cold.
My head are flooded with thought. Thought that have been there shovel to on side.
At the age of 27 I am still one-confused-kid.
Hari ini aku sakit. Seperti kebiasaannya cuti aku selalu berakhir dengan sakit.Macam sakit memerli aku pulak yang setiap hari beria-ia sangat mahukan cuti.Nah cutilah!
Ya aku memang sakit kepala.Bukan sakit kepala biasa-biase. It’s a freakin splitting headache!
Badan masih mengeletar dek sakit berpanjangan semalaman.Kepala masih berpinar-pinar. Lantai rumah semuanya tak rata.Aku masih duduk di birai katil menghitung kira macam mana aku mahu memandu ke klinik dalam hujan renyai renyai ini.
Awal-awal pagi aku texted boss. Tiada balasan.Mungkin terlalu pagi. Aku harap dia faham, sakit yang datang bukan aku pinta-pinta. Bukan aku minta dia datang 3 hari sebelum cutiku berakhir. Bukan aku nak cuti extra.Bukan. Kepala masih berdenyut. Awal-awal pagi sudah aku muntahkan isi perutku ke mangkuk tandas. Letih. Chicken chop yang aku nikmati semalam, ketawa ketawa,jeling-jeling manja semuanya menerjah keluar.
Mata aku alerjik cahaya.Pedih.Tekak loya,kepala bagai mau pecah,hidung tersumbat,badan mengigil seram, muntah (ini baru).Itu semua simptom simptomnya. Datang sekali harung.Habis ranap tiang ’kesungguhan’ mahu mula bekerja semula. Hampir setengah tahun die pergi hari ni dia kembali. Tak mengapa.Sakit itukan khifarah dosa. Dosa yang bergedung banyaknya tanpa sedar.
Dua hari lepas dia datang main main sahaja. Sesekali aku picit2 kening sebelah kiri.Lega.Malam semalam sakit tak terhingga jadi hari ini mahu tak mahu aku harus juga ke klinik lagi. Dua tiga bulan ini aku kerap benar ke klinik. Kenapa agaknya?
Email masih berbalasan dengan boss yang satu lagi. Aku ada kerja tertangguh. Jadi harus di layan pertanyaan dari yang seorang ini. Sesekali aku refresh peti surat virtual.
Hujan masih merintik. Kepala masih saket.Aku ada banyak yang mahu aku cerita
Aku nekad ke klinik segera. Sakit ini betul betul mendera.
p/s – Untuk pertama kali,dalam kesakitan aku mengakui ini, hidup aku dibentuk satu pertiga kerjaya,satu pertiga memori dan harapan masa depan dan sepertiga lagi ‘my actual self’. Aku belajar untuk enjoy the actual moments and I do it! Aku belajar untuk menyenangi memori baik dan buruk dan berpaut pada harapan masa depan yang indah..i do it!Tapi sepertiga yang satu lagi itu- hambar,sejuk dan menidakkan siapa aku sebenarnya. 
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri
hati gembira pulang ke desa, tapi resah meninggalkan kota
Drive safe!
Gloomy-A man & his guitar(Edinburgh Fringe Fest)
Masa senggang sungguh murah dikurnia.
Dingin pagi Selasa dan suam penghawa dingin pejabat. Lazat.
Hanya tikus-tikus mendiami ruang kerja. Santai
Aku belek akhbar demi akbar.Dari cerita minyak ke rusuhan. Kepala aku serabut. Siapa kata membaca melapangkan minda?
Di sudut paling kiri laman akhbar, mata aku tersorot dan terpaku.Lama
7 cedera, gerabak Ekspres Sinaran Pagi tergelincir. Hati aku tiba tiba sebu. Ligat kepala ku mencerna fakta. Sepantas kilat ingatan aku singgah pada memori minggu sebelumnya. Sahabat yang pulang ke kampung berkeretapi.
Nafas aku sudah di telinga.
Aku tekan mata rantai ke perincian cerita. Tertera Johor Baharu.Oh bukan utara.Sehelai hela nafas ku mengendur. Kepala yang berpinar kembali jernih.
Lega kerana yang cedera bukan siapa-siapa.
Tapi tolonglah tukang keretapi,pemandunya,Dato’ pengarahnya,menterinya..tak bolehkan kita ”MRT-kan” ”LRT” kita?
Let just say, I am pretty scared of the unpredictability of my emotion. It runs on a pretty crooked rail lately. My body somehow synch with this weird conundrum I’m facing. Thus, I’ve become a young lady trap in 50 years old body. It’s aching everywhere. Therefore I need all those supplement, no?
I cried. I crank up..Yes I do…in my own solitude over a simplest of thing.
People around me are my backbone. Power to the people huh? Hehehe…Thanks to all ,my backbone are pretty sturdy.
I talk to AZ earlier. My buddy and so called sister when we both are thousand miles away. We are colleague with extra special relationship. She’s heavily pregnant. It was like yesterday I was overjoyed with the bun-in-the-oven news. Cracking jokes about how bloated she will feels when she reaches her last trimester. Time really flies and she’s on her maternity (6 months ok) leave already. Hope to see the picture of the 2nd cheeky chubby pretty soon!! Make me want to have one also. Boleh ke? Instant punya hahaha without all the hardship: P
AA going to help me with my aching body. I’m going to start taking my supplement pretty soon. These have been long over due. I guess I am just like every other people, dah terhantuk baru nak terngadah. Investing money on healthy lifestyle seems so hard. Me and my mentality. I have been paying money to D*H for a year now but I have yet arrange appointment for my health check. Better make one after Eid. Am hoping to meet AA tomorrow. Yes we have not been seeing each other for few weeks and this is definitely a record. We used to spend a lot of time together before the circumstances changes, but you understand right? This is what we call progressing in life hahahah 
Another person I know for a while now; HJ. Checking and inspecting structure of oil rig and drill sounded fun right? Attractive in a dangerous way, at least that’s what I told him when he got dump the other day. A crazy young man who are worst than my aunty. Keep meddling into my personal life trying to force me to get married.Kalau ye pon nak makan nasik minyak free kan. This person will tell you how fast or slow your biology clock is ticking .Sibuk la lu. And not to mention his cunning plan that eventually force people to treat him. Okla I’ll supply a month of cendol stock for you end of the year, just return to home country safely. Bawak bawak la balik Malaysia.Cukup-cukup la tue.
F, who have been so busy with SAP classes. You owe me a trip in your modified “chick-magnet” automobile (mcm batmobile dah aku tgk) ok?
My asam-boi buddy, we got 365 days punya story to tell. It was never a problem to pour everything out to you. Same goes to my favourite cousin.We have a pretty unique relationship right?
And last but not least the “anchor man”. My world have been revolves around you and you around mine. It might be pretty brand new but everything was good and I foresee a lot more good things to come. You might not help taming my hurricane of emotion(yet) but you sure make it one h**l of a ride.
I truly appreciate each one of you for sticking around (alhamdulillah), for not leaving me (yet) and for accepting millions of my flaws (and still counting).
Just in case one day things change between us, regardless whose fault…
do know that I’m sorry
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